On January 6th, 2010 Alex suffered a gunshot wound to the head...given 3 HOURS TO LIVE ....this is our story of survival and how God continues to work in and through our lives!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Don't Judge Me!

You know after all Alex and I have been through it's funny how ONE email out of over 1500 can just push you over the edge?!  As much positives as you try to find in your worst nightmare ever and you have ONE day where you express the least bit of anger or ask for prayers because of a certain situation and someone (the devil) just wants to tear you down?!  Well this blog tonight is for the devil or anyone out there who pretends to know or think how I should feel or how I should act or what I should or should not be saying and questioning my walk with Christ.  I am going to address you once and then put it behind me because it is only ignorance in which you speak!

DO NOT DARE JUDGE ME.... until you have walked a second in my shoes of which I pray none of you EVER experience!  I have focused on Alex since day one and have not taken my focus off of him for one second of one minute of one hour of one day!!!  I am on day 71 and if I want to be angry on day 71.... I think God will allow that!  My life has been ripped apart!  My child's life was almost non existant, my family is split with one son staying with another family and my husband going home to an empty house every night!  I have not been home in 71 days!!!  I wake up constantly 2-3 times a night to Alex in cold sweats having nightmares of laying in a pool of blood reliving that horrific day for him.... obsessed with looking at his head and the wound, afraid to be alone for one second and having anxiety attacks.....watching him struggle to be able to dress himself with ONE hand, struggle to learn how to feed himself, learning to walk again, go to the bathroom which takes about 45 minutes from start to finish..... learning to write correctly on a page again from left to right, confined to a wheelchair (for now because he WILL walk again), not able to watch TV because the noise hurts his head..... losing all dignity with having to wear diapers again because he can't control his bowels.... DO NOT JUDGE ME!    What I write on this blog is only a smidget of what I go thru on a daily basis!! I will be able to forgive one day... but it's not today and it will be on my own time and not for ANYONE TO DICTATE if I walk with Christ or not.  I answer to one person and HE knows where my heart is....and that is all that matters!  You do NOT know how you would react, how you would feel, what you would say or even if you could forgive at the drop of a hat... UNTIL it happens to you.  So... in response to your ignorance.... and your loss of respect for me..... I don't care.  For one... you don't know me personally so your opinion doesn't matter to me or Alex.  I have bigger fish to fry and I'm not sweating the SMALL stuff!  There is NO handbook that comes with the position we have been put in.... I wish there was and then maybe Alex and I could both cope a little better and understand what is next to come.... but there isn't!  I said from day one, especially realizing what a miracle he is..... that Alex would be able to tell his story and now he has.  The truth is ugly.... but the truth none the less.  So to anyone who is passing judgment on me..... good for you.... but you should know... you will have to answer to HIM who takes care of me... and that my friends.... won't be such a great day for you!

Now... onto a positive note.... our miracle boy Mr. Alex is doing great today physically however... mentally is full of piss and vinegar.  I almost think he is regressing in some areas and his demeanor is definitley getting more hostile.  He has started throwing things, cursing, making things up, yelling.... WOW... when is this stage going to pass?  He deliberately does not listen to directions and has since become more agitated with everything and everyone.  Poor Nick got in town tonight, preparing his mind that he will probably soon have no hair in hopes to raise money for Alex... and all Alex could say to him when he got here was , " I hate you.... get out of my room".  Pretty hard for any of us to swallow.... however.. Randi and I have become accumstomed to this behavior and expect it.  The joke of ours is that everyday is like "Ground Hogs day"... before he goes to bed he will call us over to his bed and apologize and say how sorry he is if he was mean and he doesn't realize what he is saying half the time... kiss us, hug us.... then tomorrow... WE START ALL OVER AGAIN... Ground hogs day!  He is so dang cute it's really hard to stay mad at him, lol.  I constantly have to take myself back to day one.... 3 hours to live... THANK YOU GOD... Thank you God for one more day with my handsome boy!  I didn't get to see any therapies today as I was called to be at the courthouse ... however... I hope that tomorrow I can report on some great progress!!  Nick's Save or Shave is tomorrow night and we hope to see you there... great show with a little intermittent entertainment from Nick!

God.. thank you for giving me strength today.... for knowing what I needed and giving that to me.  I have placed my faith in you time and time again... and you continue to show me who is boss!  You are in total control and I thank you for continuing to bless me and Alex in more ways than one ....on a constant basis.  The devil trys to tear me down time and time again... but with you by my side.. it's not gonna happen!  TOGETHER.... WE GOT THIS!!

Live for Today.... not taking for granted what you have been blessed with....