Ok my little prayer warriors... Alex is stuck in a rut with words and repetition and it's making me crazy, lol. We got him ready for bed last night... we started at 8pm. That lasted till after 12:30am!!! Here is a taste of my night. And to get the full effect... please read every line. He is in the blue... I am in the black! ENJOY!
"Mom can you tuck me in?"
"Absolutely, Alex"
"Tuck me all the way in, like around my whole body.. my feet too"
"ok, Alex"
"ok"
"ok"
"ok"
"ok"
"Noooo, don't end a sentence with ok or say ok, it makes me want to keep saying it"
"ok... oh shoot, I'm sorry... I meant to say alright"
"ok".....
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
next was:
"Good night mom, I love you"
"I love you too Alex"
"NO, don't say I love you too, it doesn't mean anything, just say... i love you"
"ok"
"ok"
"OK"
"Nooo, don't end a sentence with ok and don't say I love you too."
I AM SILENT
"Good night mom, I love you"
"I love you Alex"
"I love you more"
and this is where his rules come into play once again and I have to say
"Yes Alex, you love me more, you win the love war and I lose the love war"
"Why do I win the love war?"
"Because you told me to say that"
"NO, I win the love war because I love you more, SAY IT"
I AM SILENT
"SAY IT"
I AM SILENT, totally thinking this is going to make him quit as I am sitting in the dark while all this is going on, over and over and over.... LORD HELP ME!
then I hear
"Good night mom, I love you"
"I love you Alex"
"I love you more"
"you win the love war, I lose the love war because you love me more"
"Mom, turn off your laptop the light is bothering me"
"Close your eyes Alex, and you won't see the light"
"Please mom, just do it, it aggravates me and I have to have it off"
"ok Alex"
"NO, don't say ok"
"I forgot, I'm sorry"
"It's ok, can you please get me some water?"
"Go to sleep Alex"
"Mom, please I really need water"
I AM SILENT
"Mom"
I AM SILENT
"MOM"
I AM SILENT, thinking he will give up
"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM"
I AM SILENT.... this is killing me
"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM"
I AM SILENT, stand strong Lisa
"Mom, can I have some pudding"
I AM SILENT
"PUUUUUUUUUUDDDDIIIIINNNNGGGG"
I AM SILENT
"If you don't answer me I am going to call the nurse and ask for pudding"
I AM SILENT
YES... He buzzes the nurse! Here she comes..
"Can you please get me some water?"
OMG..... she gives water and leaves, lights off...
"MOM, can you close the blinds"
"they are closed, Alex"
"they aren't closed where they are pointing up"
"yes, they are"
"please fix the blinds"
I get up and go to the blinds, they are pointing up
"Alex they are pointing up"
"Show me"
sooooooooo, i go thru the position of the blinds... up, open and down...
"tell me alex, which one you like the best" as I go thru AGAIN and he tells me
I go back to my bed, lights are all out as I sit in the dark so he will MAYBE go to sleep....
"MOM, can u put a towel under the door so that I can't see the light from the hallway?
AND IT BEGAN ALL OVER AGAIN!!!
AND SO ON AND SO ON AND SO ON!!!! That went on from 8pm-12:30am until I couldn't take it anymore and buried my head under the covers and pretty much cried with anxiety and impatience!
To those of you who hate going to work, who dread starting your day.... BE THANKFUL! Be very thankful that you have normalcy in your life. That you are blessed with a healthy family and have the opportunity to live your life as you know it. I CAN NOT! I wish to God I could and that my handsome boy could get out of that bed, walk to my car and we could go home...back to life as WE know it! Today I feel as if I was in the outer storm in the beginning of all this... he pulled thru we were out of the woods and I was in the eye of the storm....today I must be approaching the other side of the storm because he is certainly trying my patience. I know this is part of the healing process... there are stages... I just hope this one hurry's up and passes! Not only does he not sleep... he is hateful! Calling Randi and I names that no child should speak to an adult.... let alone their mother. I have had to walk out .... step away from the situation... breathe and regroup. PLEASE PRAY for Randi and I to find the strength to deal with Alex in this phase of progress. I went back in a minute ago to check on him and he was shouting at me that he is pissed he is having to go thru this, pissed that he has to suffer. "Look at me.... I can't do anything!... I can't move like I want to... I'm just stuck... you try to live like this!" Do you know how hard it is to stand their and hear those words? .... I just walked back in to check on him and he asked if he could talk to me.... Mamacita Carmen (his night nurse) talked to him and we had a heart to heart. He said "mom, I'm sorry for today"... "I need you to understand that I am miserable and I will have bad days.... some worse than others... kinda like when you have bad days"... "I know you didn't do this to me and I know I shouldn't take it out on you".... "sometimes when people are mad they take it out on the ones they love the most".... OK I WAS BALLING MY EYES OUT..... he said "mom don't cry... i don't mean to make you cry and I'm sorry". SO I CRY EVEN MORE, LOL!
I can only imagine what I would be feeling if I was in his shoes. I would be very much pissed off at the world and in that sense I have to give it to him.... until NOW he has been sooooo good and so cooperative. We have read tons and tons of information and there are like 8-10 stages traumatic brain injury patients go thru. We are around stage 6. We still have a long road ahead of us so please continue to keep all of us in your prayers. Every day brings a new challenge. Some of the challenges I like... some NOT SO MUCH! God... I'm calling upon you today.... wrap your arms around Alex and give him peace and comfort of being alive! Take away the pain he is feeling in his left leg and left arm as it comes back to life.... give him comfort to know that you have great things in store for him.... work in and thru his little body to heal it... give him the strength to pull thru this with a great attitude.... the devil is knocking again but we are NOT LETTING HIM IN! We are determined to stay positively focused.... focus on the end result and not sweat the small stuff in between. Thank you God for allowing and paving the way for Randi to be here because I could not mentally get thru this phase without her! God... wrap your arms around Randi and I and keep our mentality in check.... give us the right words to throw back at Alex as he says things that are hurtful and ugly. Give us the endurance we need to get thru every night in getting him to sleep. Please speak to the doctors mind and communicate the best possible meds to get it right so that he can finally rest. I believe alot of what he is going thru is NOT enough rest... he is not sleeping during the day and isn't going to sleep until after midnight each night. Going round and round as I portrayed up top....enough to make anyone crazy! I give it to you God... you will get it right and we can get back on track to our speedy recovery.... AMEN!
ON A HAPPY NOTE:
He is getting better with the physical therapy and I was really proud today to see him stepping with therapists on each side and without the machine. He is really working hard and I feel for him every step of the way and wish somehow I could magically make all his pain disappear. Please continue to pray for us.... my baby is having a very difficult time now and experiencing some anger and frustration. Lift Alex up in prayer and remember to pray for March 17th... he needs to come thru this storm to make it to TT on Pro day in Gainesville. We have a personal invite and a chance of a lifetime!
Closing for now... Alex is still not asleep and it's 11:48. Ambien is NOT working....New meds tomorrow hopefully!!
PRAYER WARRIORS SPECIAL REQUEST: Special friends of mine....Justine Hagan and family..... PRAY FOR HEALING for Miss Justine a very precious lady.... PRAY FOR THE FAMILY the strength and positive attitude to tackle whatever obstacles come their way. To the Hagan family... it's hard... it's very hard... but PUT ALL YOUR TRUST IN HIM.... HE won't let you down! This is all part of the plan... we do not understand at the time just what or why.... don't question... don't get angry.... give it to GOD and Let Go! He will give you peace and comfort and guide you thru this.... I love you all...and you are definitely in my prayers! xoxoxo
PEACE~LOVE~N~THUMBS UP!!
Lisa
