The past two days have been more than unbearable and I seem to have lost my sweet Alex once again. I can't even begin to explain or describe what my days are like and if you aren't HERE in it... you will NEVER UNDERSTAND it! It seems as if every time we introduce something new to him... as a simple trip to Sam's Club so that he can pick out all the food HE wants.... something triggers a chemical or part of the brain that goes CRAZY! The sweet loving Alex that we know and love turns off and this mean hateful one turns on. He was out of control one second throwing meat... yes like packs of ground meat at Brooks... yelling and cursing ... then turning back to sweet as someone came up and said hey we have been watching and following your story to... Thank you, I am a miracle...raise the roof and throwing his hands in the air and wanting to give high fives. WHAT THE HECK? I notice it alot more often when he is told that famous word when he was 2.... "NO". N O spells NO. I won't be taking a joy trip with him for awhile... I think we all had our fill that day!
He has been unbearable today.... something new ... wasn't our normal routine... he had to have a cat scan today at 8, which meant I had to get him up at 6... and from there we had to go to memorial for pre op tests for wednesday's surgery on his throat. We were told that it is outpatient however they will want to monitor him therefore he will be staying overnight wednesday night going home on thursday. PLEASE SAY PRAYERS... I always get nervous when you have to get put to sleep for any surgery! I think ALEXANDER comes out when anxiety sets in... and he has been asking a million questions regarding the surgery and maybe this is causing the stress and triggers the evil twin.
I am sorry I haven't written for the past two days... it's just really been alot to handle and again... being home has created a whole new stress level for me. Please continue to pray for Alex as well as our family.... Chad is under alot of stress at work as they are getting rid of his dept and he is afraid that a layoff is coming which of course is the last thing that we need at this moment in time. He worries for all the obvious reasons... I have too much on my plate to concentrate on that issue... which in turn causes stress between he and I. All I want is my boy back....I want my family the way it was.... I want to go back to January 5th even for just an hour so that I can have Alex back the way he was, hugging me and kidding around and telling me he loves me as he walks from his room to mine or while he is fixing his own food in the kitchen. I just want a glimpse of it... I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel! Just when I think I am getting there... Alexander comes out and I cry myself to sleep praying that tomorrow he will walk or be able to use that left arm. I try to stay positive and for the most part I am... but people ALWAYS want to kick you when you are down and Lord knows the Devil is steady knocking on my door wanting to come in. People who have no idea of what I am going thru or what my days consist of on a daily basis now ..... But you know ... It can only hurt me if I let it. I have to keep telling myself that I AM IN CONTROL of my attitude and how I let certain things affect me. Sooner or later...things will be looking up and I will see the rainbows in the sky! Alex is a miracle... he is my sunshine even on a cloudy day and I know...this too shall pass. I thank those of you who keep those words of encouragement coming.... they are needed daily especially on days as the past two have been. Alex always tells me.... and you will love this.... "Mom... all I ask is that you try your best".... "as long as you are doing your best...then that's all I can ask". He says this as I am pushing his wheelchair up the sidewalk and I go off in the grass a little and make his ride bumpy and I say... Alex,. I don't mean to do it... I am trying the best that I know how .... and that's what started this...so now before everything we do... that's what I get! Well I will tell you all... I am trying my best... I am doing the best that I know how trying to please everyone and it is wearing me thin. Again... I wasn't given a handbook on how to deal with this... and unless you are in my house you have no idea what goes on nor how many times Randi and I have to "walk away from the child" as he puts it. HE IS A MIRACLE YES... and to look at him you would be amazed.... but believe me when I tell you this... there are dark sides... and they are very real and very hard to deal with and take in. This whole week is not his normal routine so I am prepared to encounter Alexander pretty much for the rest of this week. tomorrow he has appt on base, wednesday he has surgery...thursday coming home from surgery and friday he is off. BIG PRAYERS needed.... we thank you for them. I know in my heart of hearts that Alex will be back fully recovered almost to a T with maybe some slight differences.... I will ride out this storm as long as it takes and the Devil can keep on knocking but I will stand strong and ignore him. WE WILL WIN THIS BATTLE.... we have come to far to be defeated now. ME, ALEX, CHAD, BROOKS, NICK, RANDI & JC.... WE GOT THIS! Especially with my prayer warriors on our side.... we got this!
I don't have a routine set in stone just yet so it's hard to get time away from Alex because he wants me by his side 24-7 which makes it difficult all around for everything and everyone in the house. His tantrums are strong and we have had to move his bed in the middle of his room so that he can't bang on walls.... I will get it down pact soon enough and my blogs will be back on track... until then... keep those prayers coming... unload my stress level.... Lord heal Alex from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.... ALEXANDER... go home, THIS IS ALEX'S HOUSE and you are not welcome! SATAN.... you might as well take a number.... better yet... here's a quarter... call someone who cares! PEACE OUT!
ps. Randi I love you sister... I couldn't do this without you! I can never repay you for all you have done emotionally and physically and one day we will be able to look back on this and laugh especially when Alex is walking down that isle next year with his graduation class in his cap and gown! LOVE YOU BOO!
pss NICK.... I am so very proud of you... VICE PRESIDENT of your fraternity.... did I expect anything less? You and Brooks are two awesome young men and I am proud to call myself your mom! Thank you sweet boys of mine for all YOU do for your brother as well as me...even when Alexander is present and I know it's hard especially for you Brooks because you and Alex are so close. He will appreciate it one day and thank you both with a heartfelt thanks.... plus... WE HAVE VIDEOS, lol! I LOVE YOU PRECIOUS BOYS!