Woke up briefly with Brooks this morning to get him out the door for school and hopped back into bed for a couple more hours of sleep. I have been in a funk all day today and it didn't really dawn on me until I got home just exactly what it was that was bothering me today. Then all of a sudden while talking to Brooks about his first day... it HIT ME! Alex should have started school today ..... as a SENIOR with all of his friends! Hard pill to swallow after I have been trying so hard to bring back normalcy in his life. All of my friends get to experience today....except me. Everyone has been sad that school was starting today.... I have been crying because mine COULDN'T start school today, with all of his friends... for his Senior year! School will be starting for Alex .... just a different kind and a little more stressful for me. I was told today that he has been signed up for 7 classes they think....I guess I am in shock because I feel like he is being set up for failure. I am already stretched to the limit as it is without sticking 7 courses on top of me. One or two I think I can handle.... 7....OMG!!! This is all computer compass odyssey classes.... which is fine but he has to be monitored. Basically I will have to be doing it ALL on top of therapy 3 times a week. Remind you....therapy is at 1:00pm, 2:00pm and 3:00pm back to back.... LONG DAY, then to either fit school in before or after...well... all I can say is LORD GIVE ME STRENGTH. I was thinking at some point it was going to get easier .... not more stressful! I am NEVER going to get a break. I WANT MY OLD LIFE BACK.... WITH MY OLD ALEX....Please God.... can I please get a break.... can I please see a small glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel? Today I am feeling like I am spiraling downward....nose diving..... waiting to hit rock bottom. I keep picking myself up...only to feel like I am getting knocked down again and again. BUT I WON'T GIVE UP! I will keep on marching.... to the beat of my own drum lol! I am CRAZY.... and it's a good thing I am! Maybe I am bipolar and just don't realize it, haha! WHEW...ok, I just stepped away, was getting a little too emotional for my own good...... .took a bath... melted down....took a phone call from my sister...feeling better. She gave me an analogy.... IT'S OK TO FEEL WHAT YOU ARE FEELING AND IT'S OK TO CRY! She said... think about the sky when it's about to storm...when it's dark and cloudy... it needs to rain before it will get light again. HOW TRUE IS THAT! She said you need to cry and let it out so that you can feel light again. I can definitely say that I feel better now that I let it out! Maybe if I have one good cry a day I can get thru this without going coo coo for cocoa puffs..... just maybe. However... I know that God is right here with me...and I think we will be just fine...taking one day at a time TOGETHER. It's the little things that are getting to me lately... things that we all take for granted and think nothing about. It's the fact that even though I have a great support system.... outside of my 4 walls... life goes on and each has their own lives they have to deal with. Today was a really rough day for me. Alex... well he is fine, lol. He doesn't really comprehend stuff like this just yet....so he doesn't understand why I am so upset. He expresses how he misses his friends and he misses playing basketball with them ..... the visits get less and less and it's hard to explain to him or make him understand that everyone leads busy lives as did he, before this happened to him. It's like trying to explain to a 4 year old in a candy store why they can't have a piece of candy. Hard for him to comprehend and really understand. We are coping and trying to work through the rough patches..... again... this too shall pass. It is just crazy how much of an emotional roller coaster I feel like I am on lately.....and I don't like it! However... I am afterall...only human and obviously NOT made of steel, like I try to convince myself otherwise. Even though I had a dark day today... Alex...well....... he was shining as usual at therapy! THANK YOU GOD! Below are some videos I took today and he is looking better and better every time. If you look you can see where his left hand is wrapped around the pole...before Botox this would NOT be possible. We had to place his hand open and wrap it around the pole...but it stayed AND he didn't complain of it hurting because of his hypersensitivity. Before Botox there is NO WAY he would have allowed us to even TOUCH his hand lol. He is progressing... and I know today was a rough day for me... but when I can sit back at the end of the day and look at the whole picture.... GOD IS GOOD TO ME and for THAT... I AM TRULY VERY BLESSED!
ALEX PLAYING THERAPY BASKETBALL...LOL
I apologize if my blog tonight seems as if I was all over the place..... well that's because I was. I have taken several breaks from this writing.... each putting me in a different disposition when I sit down to write. Like I said... I am on an emotional rollercoaster.... and probably will be until we get back in the routine with school and I figure out the plan and make sure we are on task for him to graduate.... it's the fear of the unknown.... the fear that I will fail as a christian, wife, mother ,teacher, and friend. I try to please everyone all at once... yet we all know that THAT is impossible. I can honestly say I give 150% of what I am capable of and try my hardest in all those categories. I stretch myself thin and for that I apologize. I am learning as I go along this path that God has set before me and He obviously has a lot of faith in me as I have come to see. I have faith in HIM... I think I need to have a little more faith in ME! I know WE'VE GOT THIS..... some days are just harder than others and I need to have a little more patience on those days and rely on HIM because HE will bring me thru it! Thank YOU GOD for the many blessings you bring into my life on a DAILY basis.... Thank YOU for one more day with my handsome boy.....Thank YOU for blessing me with 3 beautiful boys and for the relationship that YOU have with each one of them.... Thank YOU for a loving, supportive husband who is able to carry the burden of our finances alone.....Thank YOU for the great friends and family, my angles if you will.... that know just when to call or send an email for a pick me up that I need at that very moment..... Soooo many things to be thankful for Lord...THANK YOU. Keep that light shining inside of me.... keep that smile on my face even when the going gets tough Lord....... Give me the strength to fight another day of not looking back at what could of been but looking forward to what will BE! This is my destiny and I am your vessel Lord. Use me as you will.... teach me what I need to know and lead me to be what it is that YOU want me to be. We have a second chance at life and are yours to use as you please! I am not perfect Lord and I too will fall short.... just pick me up....I'll keep on going.....WE GOT THIS!!