Something clicked yesterday.... a conversation with Chad and just one word pushed me over the edge and probably a good thing to be able to let it out. I took a bath to step out of my real world for a moment, relax... regroup so that I could sit down and watch a movie with Alex and Aaron. As I get dressed, Chad walks in to get his 5 minutes of my time (bless his heart) and one word sent me into a tail spin and I began to grieve and ball my eyes out. I MISS MY ALEX! I miss the person who he used to be.... I was just balling my eyes out, crying saying that I just wanted my OLD Alex back. I sit here writing this blog, tears streaming down my face because I have suddenly realized HE IS gone forever! I just want to go back to January 5th.... PLEASE can I go back in time and have just one more conversation or HUG or I LOVE YOU from the OLD ALEX? I cannot even begin to tell you how much I miss him and who he was. To see him run up a tree and do a back flip off of it...or a fence... to see him do a crazy little dance or jump on my sofa..... to watch him play baseball at second base.... to lay in bed on Monday nights and watch CSI (our Monday night ritual).....I MISS HIM....I MISS HIM SOOOO VERY VERY MUCH. Lord, please don't get me wrong... I am soooo very very thankful I have him here and I say to you everyday... I can get thru this with YOU...... but I am sooo missing MY ALEX right now and I pray that you give me the strength to get past this stage. I do have a new Alex, and I thank YOU for that.... I know this is part of the process.... maybe you could be so kind as to keep the healing progressing on the inside of his brain so that something may trigger more of the OLD Alex to come back? He will NEVER be what or who he was as before but we can always have FAITH in you of your healing powers and I PRAY REAL HARD that I will begin to see more of the OLD Alex come out during this recovery process. I give it all to you Lord.... I will continue to truck on.... embrace what you have given me.... I am a better person because of YOU... I am a stronger woman because of YOU.... I trust that YOU brought me to it and YOU will get me thru it. Thank YOU Lord for my many blessings....please lighten my heart from the loss of my OLD ALEX and refresh my spirit today as I take on another challenging day with my sweet boy. I am only human.... although I like to think I am superwoman sometimes, lol... but I too fall short sometimes and I thank you for your forgiveness of my sins. This too shall pass..... YOU are my Rock and even though I feel as if I have fallen today...... I know that WE GOT THIS!!