Friday was a very hard day for both Alex and I with a 4 hour morning spent with the psychiatrist. He completed a very intense neuropsych evaluation. We had a reality check that we certainly were not prepared to hear. Alex is post 22 months Traumatic Brain Injury and has reached his PEAK of mental recovery. I was told that basically what Alex is today is what he will be for the rest of his life. I cried all day Friday..... this was my second worst nightmare. We all have such high hopes for our children... to grow up, become successful, find the girl of "our" dreams lol and have beautiful grandchildren. This for Alex... may not ever happen and I think this is what saddens me the most. Not that I will have to take care of him for the rest of my life.... I've accepted that. Not that he missed out on his childhood.... we have come to terms with that....we cannot get the past back. It's the fact that he may not have a future.... one that I had hoped for anyways. I was really really angry Friday. Reality was a hard pill to swallow. I am sad that my boy not only lost his childhood, he will miss out on a normal adulthood life. Filled with finding the love of his life and falling in love, having a job, having children.... everything has been taken away because of someone else's decision. He has been legally termed "mentally incompetent" and doctor wants me to get guardianship to manage his medical and personal affairs. Here are some of the excerpts from the report:
" Alex is NOT the same person he was prior to this traumatic brain injury, and to expect otherwise is to perform a great disservice to Alex. Do not expect him to remember and follow through on requests. He can be expected to become agitated and impulsive when he is thwarted from what he wants to do (even if what he wants to do is not in his best interest). he remains manipulative, but his manipulations are only designed to satisfy his immediate gratification. Alex is considered unable to maintain productive employment at any level both now and in the future, and he is considered permanently and totally disabled. He has an organic mental disorder related to his traumatic brain injury that precludes him from employment. Alex continues to experience trimodal neglect along with his visual field cut, and these phenomena along with his limited insight, awareness and judgment will present continued limitations to his ability to self-monitor and to protect himself from self-harm from this point in his life forward. In other words, Alex is not safe to be left alone for any extended period of time. He demonstrates the IMPAIRED ability to appreciate a situation and its likely consequences and he demonstrates the IMPAIRED ability to manipulate information rationally."
You can imagine after hearing all this I was a basket case as I was certainly not prepared to hear all that! I was expecting to hear how GREAT AND AMAZING he was doing since his last visit!! And I did get that... but I also got REALITY. Again... not what I was expecting to hear. I left that office in tears and cried the whole way home. My handsome boy sitting next to me in the front seat, puts his hand on my leg... looks at me and FLATLY says... "it's sad huh"... "mom don't cry". He is steadily turning the music up, trying to get me to fist pump with him... trying to divert my attention... I LOVE THAT KID. I have cried off and on all weekend.... LSU beating Bama helped a little, lol... but I have just been down in the dumps Sunday and today. Chad has been awesome... trying to bring out every positive.... showing me Alex's graduation day picture with all of us in it... LOOK HOW FAR WE HAVE COME... who says give up now? We will make the best of whatever we are given...that's what we told God that night... YES WE DID! Well let me tell you how God works in our lives and what he did for me today!! I stayed in bed today.... went to bed with and woke up with a major headache. Not sure if it's all the stress I have been under since Friday or from crying so much, lol. It was about 1pm today I guess... I heard Alex get up off the sofa, walk to the bathroom with his cane... this is normal now... he gets around with his cane in the house... yes I have to hide things in the pantry lol!! So next thing I know, he tapped on my door, opens it, I notice he has on different pair of underwear... then I realize wait... his hair is wet... WHAT THE FRENCH TOAST??? I said " did you change your own underwear?"...and "why is your hair wet?"... he said... "I GAVE MY SELF A SHOWER!!" I jumped out of bed... I was soooo impressed and proud and just.... BEAMING with pride... OMG... " YOU GAVE YOURSELF A SHOWER????".... He was soooooo proud of himself you have no idea! he said... "You better be facebooking about what I just did!!"... "YOU BETTER TELL EVERYONE MOM". It CHANGED my whole demeanor! I said... "let's go to Baskin and Robbins and get some ice cream... you deserve a treat!... I'll jump in the shower and get you dressed when I get out". I went and got his cloths put them on the sofa... jumped in the shower and when I got out... HE HAD DRESSED HIMSELF FROM HEAD TO TOE, SOCKS SHOES AND ALL!!!! What you may not be understanding is that.... he has NEVER done any of this by himself! TODAY WAS A HUGE DAY! A MAJOR MILESTONE in one day! Like months of preparing and all of a sudden out of nowhere..... GOD SENT ME A MESSAGE!!! This was it... he sent me a message thru Alex and said DO NOT GIVE UP ON ME... I AM NOT FINISHED WITH HIM YET!
Tears streaming down my face.... God comes thru once again! FAITH! Step out on FAITH... Give it to God and he will not let you down! The devil came in and kicked me down......... and God said... GET UP GIRL... WE GOT THIS! Words cannot describe what I am feeling today. A mixture of emotions... happy, sad, anxious, DETERMINED! I'm not going to take what the doctor said and lay down... once again I am going to give it to God because the doctors that gave him 3 hours to live were wrong. THERE IS DEFINITELY SOMEONE OF HIGHER POWER IN CHARGE OF ALEX'S DESTINATION.... and we are NOT THERE YET!!! Today I am hopeful that Alex may still have a chance at a normal adulthood life. I am hopeful that he gets the chance to have a chance at love and marriage with or without children. I am going to start praying for his wife.... she is out there somewhere. Someone with the patience of a saint, a loving and giving heart.... someone special just for Alex. I am going to pray that he finds a job specially to fit his needs and desires to feel productive and function to be the best that he can be. I am going to pray that he is able to take online college courses and complete them successfully and if it takes 8 years to graduate... so what... he will do it in his own time. I am going to pray that we will be financially ok as long as I have to stay home and care for Alex because the devil has a way of trying to taint that. I am very thankful for a loving, caring, giving husband who has stood by my side when he could of easily walked away with all this responsibility and stress that was placed on him especially with a child that is not his but he considers his own. I am thankful for Brooks who is my right hand man and best friend to his brother... I know it isn't easy for him and all the stress that comes along with having to be the main friend in Alex's life. I am thankful that Nicholas was able to stay in school and not have to come home to help me so that he can graduate next year. I am thankful for my close friends who keep me going day to day and help out with whatever it is that I need. I am thankful that Alex's dad continues to help support him even though he is past 18 years of age. I am thankful for the emails and fb posts I get from my little prayer warriors still praying and watching over us..... KNOW THEY HELP!
I'm not going to give up on Alex just yet. He proved to me today that ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE....that kid has so much determination and drive that I truly feel in my heart he will SUCCEED and DO GREAT THINGS. God sent me a message thru Alex today.... NO DOUBT ABOUT IT! Me, Alex and JC.... WE REALLY DO GOT THIS!!!
Once again... Dear God... thank you for another day with my HANDSOME BOY!