On January 6th, 2010 Alex suffered a gunshot wound to the head...given 3 HOURS TO LIVE ....this is our story of survival and how God continues to work in and through our lives!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Missing Him Today...

I guess I'm having one of those melt down moments and need to write.  You see Alex just woke up,got out of bed, walked to my door with his cane to make sure I was taking him with me when I took Brooks to school....Bless his heart, he thought it was the MORNING already!!!  Love my lil brain injured Alex Ross and the innocence he sometimes genuinely portrays..... I was taken back in time for just a moment.... missing those days more often than not lately :0(  OVERWHELMED... SAD... HAPPY... all at the same time.  Still taking it one day at a time but knowing there is light at the end of the tunnel... one day.  You see Chad is on vacation this week and Alex knew that it was a possibility that I may leave him here in the morning while I take Brooks to school and he was so bent on going that he woke up thinking it was morning and made his way to the living room to MAKE SURE I DIDN'T LEAVE HIM.  Half asleep, I walked out to living room to see what he was doing and he said "I'm up, I'm ready to go with you to take Brooks to school".  It was at that very moment I was taken back in time... missing him... the old Alex... looking at him his demeanor was that of a 4 year old Alex, half asleep wanting to sleep in my bed when he was younger.  Crazy how in a split second I can go from being in control and in check .... to uncontrollable crying and wanting my Alex back.  I guess a part of me is still grieving for the Alex I lost and hopefully in time .... this too shall pass.  He makes me laugh every day, he makes me crazy every day, he absolutely drives me nuts with his OCD anal behavior with time and impatience.  If he thinks it, he says it and not just once.... 15 times and corrects me on how to do everything and when to do it.  When he wants a shower he wants it then, not in one minute, not in 5 minutes and will sit there naked on the toilet until I get in there to do it.... Life is still crazy over here and we are still learning every day how to cope, manage, handle, teach.... get by.  YES... ALEX IS ALIVE... THANK YOU GOD FOR GIVING US THAT.... Thank you for those impossible moments in which I think I can't possibly survive with a sane mind....Thank you for the times you control my mouth as I want to scream I can't do this anymore.... Thank you for the patience you have instilled in me, only YOU know where it comes from!  It has gotten easier to handle of course since we first came home, but there are still soooo many new challenges we face each day that I constantly need to call upon Him and scripture to carry me thru.  I have been burying myself in Brooks' football games and editing the 700 pics I take each game to carry me into another place.... any place but here that might bring back memories of things that I can't get back.  I don't know how much Alex will progress mentally... or how far his therapy may take him...  I can only hope for what I believe is possible with God.  He is in control.... He is in the driver seat and we are his passengers on this jouney of our new path in which he has paved for us.  Sorry to be a debbie downer tonight.... I don't mean to be....however, my blogging is very therapeutic and maybe subconsciously I have been putting it off in fear that these feelings would surface again?  I don't know that I will EVER be able to get over the loss of my old Alex....I certainly hope so.  Alex however is doing great.  He still does not show emotion, not sure that will ever happen or if it's even possible with his frontal lobe gone.  I am forever grateful that his personality and wit are still in tact.... that as we all know... HE NEVER LOST!  My heart aches for him, more often than not..... as his life consists of facebook, movies and videos.  He doesn't have any visitors these days.... all of his friends have their own busy lives with no spare time for Alex, so friends are few and far between these days.  Brooks is his lifeline outside our home and........ understandably so, he has his own life with his friends that doesn't always include Alex. Brooks deserves that.... this certainly wasn't his fault and these are the best years of his life.  So that takes it back to ME.  I have to be HIS everything.... 24-7.  Mom, friend, care taker, teacher, therapist....MAID, lol.... ME... I'M IT.  I gladly accept this challenge as my conversation with God that fateful night on January 6, 2010 was that no matter how he came back to me, I would accept him even if he was paralyzed from the neck down... I would handle the situation as long as I could have Alex back alive.  So I am... doing it... handling what was given to me, some days harder than others... today was one of those days.   Mentally he has a LONG way to go.... I can't stress this enough because to most he looks great and I think people get the sense that Alex is back to normal.  There is no normalcy in our lives.....today is just ONE OF THOSE DAYS... one of those days that I wish I could turn back time and go back... even for if just one day, to see my old Alex, to remember what it was like to be normal, to be able to go to work, to sleep thru the night, to come and go as I please.....to see Alex run up a tree and do a back flip or make up a funny dance.... missing you today Alex Michael Ross..... but very thankful I have the opportunity at a second chance at life with you, no matter how impossible some days seem..... in my heart deep down... I know that ME, YOU and JC... we got this!!!  Philippians 4:13 ( my saving Grace)