On January 6th, 2010 Alex suffered a gunshot wound to the head...given 3 HOURS TO LIVE ....this is our story of survival and how God continues to work in and through our lives!

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Getting a new look TODAY!

I can't tell you how extremely exited I am today for Alex!  Today he is having reconstructive surgery on his trach (hole) scar and it will be a beautiful thin line that will fit in with the rest of the creases on his neck!  He insisted from the beginning of our journey that he wanted no more surgeries no matter how big or small and didn't care about the gaping hole in his neck left from having a trach for over a year.  3 years in recovery and mentally moving forward he has decided to go ahead with this surgery and take one more step to normalcy.  Those of us that see him on a daily basis don't notice it as it has been a part of who he is now.  This is a brave step for Alex as he has been thru so much already however I know he wants girls to look at him as he once was..... Although Alex thinks he is the cream of the crop and would be a prize for any lucky girl!   I am extremely proud of him and his continued progress in our 3 years of recovery and soooo excited that he is getting a little cosmetic surgery to boost that even bigger ego lol!  Kiss that hole goodbye cause Mr Hotmess will be looking extra gorgeous!!!!  He will be in surgery for an hour and in recovery for 3 then we go home. He wears bandage for 7 days then we get to reveal the new neck lol!  Keep those prayers coming..... HE AIN'T FINISHED WITH ALEX JUST YET!  Xoxo


Sunday, January 6, 2013


Today marks the 3rd anniversary of that fateful day that forever changed our lives. It seems as though it was yesterday and in the same sense feels forever ago. Today I am thankful for the gift of Alex's life that God gave me back that horrible night. It's been a crazy 3 years with God continuing to bless us in every step we take. Our lives will never be as they were, but I am truly hopeful that one day they will be as close to normal as possible again.... Whatever that is. Life has gotten easier adapting to our "handicapable" world and Alex has certainly exceeded our expectations in his recovery. He is fiesty and crazy as ever ..... determined to be independent and striving to reach that goal every day. He aggravates and inspires me all at the same time lol.... That is just my patience being tested.... I know full recovery is all in HIS time not mine. I thank all of you that are close to us for your forever love, patience, laughter and support with Alex..... It's not an easy task at times and certainly trying at times. He is still VERY VERY impulsive with no lack of regard for consequences or how what he says or does may affect you or the situation.... Something we are still working on and teaching in our daily rituals. He means well, has a heart of gold and just wants to make you laugh pulling out all the stops to achieve that. Whether its pulling his pants down or grinding on a chair or flicking you off..... You just have to know in your heart it's his way of making u smile, lord help us all (0; 3 hours to live to now ...3 years and counting..... I praise God for saving my handsome boy..... What a TRUE MIRACLE YOU ARE ALEX MICHAEL ROSS! I thank you Chad Dillard for being our rock, for working hard every day to provide a home with the financial burden going from 2 incomes to now just 1. Thank you for your sacrifices so that we can have the things we do and so that I can stay home and take care of Alex..... It won't be a forever thing, I promise. I love you with all my heart and appreciate you, your love and support more than you could ever comprehend! Brooks and Nick.... You are two amazing brothers and I couldn't do it without you! Brooks, you are his right hand man and I give you most of the credit in how far he has come. You have been there every step of the way, picking up the slack so Nick could finish college. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for rolling with the punches, for the patience you have endured and for letting him tag along with you and your friends.... You are my sunshine on my darkest days and I absolutely could not have gotten thru this without YOU! I love u boo! Raymond Ross... Thank you for continuing to help with Alexs finances so that I am able to stay home and care for him..... This has played a huge part in Alex's recovery with me being able to be his caretaker in every aspect and it will pay off one day, this I know. When he marries the girl of his dreams and has children of his own..... That will be our payback.... A normal life for Alex is the thing I pray for most. For him to have a full life as tho he would have ....had he never been shot. To find that special someone who will love him unconditionally as I do. this will be my payback. To my family, my friends and especially Nick and Brooks' friends ..... THANK YOU. It takes a lot of patience to be around Alex on a daily basis. He can talk you into things you never would dream of doing on your own, lol..... Thank you for the gift of your friendship, for accepting him for who he is and for treating him as your very own friend! He loves you all and just wants his life back... Thank you for giving him a piece of that back! My friends and family.... You are a blessing to me.... Angels in disguise! Thank you for the smiles, the laughter and the tears. I still have my moments when I mourn the loss of who Alex was and you pick me up and cry with me when I need it as we switch to laughter in praise of all he has become! HE HAS COME SO FAR.... SOOO FAR.... tears streaming down my face just thinking of how LUCKY we are to have him here today.... Crazy non filter ridiculously quick witted self that he is..... Gods amazing grace all rolled up into one..... ALEX ROSS I AM EXTREMELY PROUD OF YOU and all that you have overcome! You never anger at what has happened, you have always stayed positive with a smile on your face and a joke out of your mouth. I have no doubt that God will continue to work on you, in you and around you ..... You are HIS vessel and HE has an awesome future planned out for you. Keep reaching for the stars and jumping those hurdles because you will do great things for the glory of God and I am truly honored to be your mom! KEEP SHINING AND SMILING...YOU ARE BLESSED AND TRULY ONE OF GODS MOST PRECIOUS MIRACLES....I love you Alex Michael! Thank you God for another day with my handsome boy! PEACE~LOVE~N~THUMBS UP! LISA



Tuesday, December 18, 2012


Well Well Well... gosh I can't believe it's been August since I have been on here updating our prayer warriors of Alex's progress!  God is still over here working his miracles on my handsome boy!  Alex no longer uses the wheelchair or cane to get around and WALKS EVERYWHERE he goes... even the MALL!!! PRAISE THE LORD.... CAN I GET AN AMEN!!  So many little improvements have taken place since August... simply in awe of what God can do.  I have since joined a gym where I take him twice a week where he gets on the tread mill by himself... no helpers and walks at about a pace of 1.5.... he also gets on the bike... now this is a little bit of a harder task lol.  Here's some videos for your laughs and enjoyment lol.

 Alex is much taller than me now about 5'8" and weighs 190lbs.... WHO EVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT HE WOULD GROW TO BE THIS BIG?? Those that knew him before surely would never have guessed this little 16 year old Junior 4' nothing and all of 110 pounds lol.  Alex is still very impulsive and yes NO FILTER still... but we are still working on that and social behaviors as well.  Those little things he may never get back but we are still making progress... BABY STEPS... one day at a time.  I feel like some neurons may finally be reconnecting as Alex has become more aware of peoples emotions and feelings of regret when he acts up or gets in trouble for inappropriate behavior.  .... TRUE STORY such as riding in the neighbors yard across the street on his golf cart and running over THREE not one but THREE of his little pine trees he had just planted!  Thank God they love Alex and have compassion in their souls because had it been my yard I don't know that I could be so gracious!  Of course my knee jerk reaction was to post on FB 'GOLFCART FOR SALE" LOL.... Although the neighbors asked me not to sell it....that is still to be determined!

He doesn't necessarily get it right at the moment when he is in trouble... it's more of when he is laying in his bed late at night and is maybe more able to process it without all the stimulation around him such as friends/tv etc?  When he is by himself and has time to process the days events... we often get a text apologizing saying he knows what he did was wrong and that he is really trying hard to recognize when he is misbehaving and wants to correct it with a true heartfelt apology.... something I never thought he would be capable of again.  It might take another 5 years but at this point I am confident that Alex will continue to improve and one day grow up, have a wife and kids and have somewhat of a normalcy in his life.  THIS IS MY PRAYER FOR HIM!  So much was taken away and I would give anything for him to be independent and have that life he would have had.  He still has no use of his left hand or arm but he has become accustomed to that and it doesn't seem to bother him..... as for me... it pisses me off, lol.  I don't know how he does it....soooo many tasks we need two hands for and I can't imagine having one hand to do EVERYTHING.... I sit and watch him playing video games with the controller in his mouth for the stick while using his right hand to push the buttons and it's bittersweet....YES HE IS ALIVE AND PLAYING VIDEO GAMES QUIT WHINING I TELL MYSELF, LOL!  He makes it work.... and he is comfortable in his surroundings..... feeling safe... enjoying life as it is today... not a care in the world except where I am taking him for the day and what is for dinner, lol.  He likes to go go go and run those roads.... boredom sets in while Brooks is in school....I am his only source of entertainment... whatever will I do when Brooks goes off to college??? Send Alex with him ? lol.  His friends are few and far between ... grown up...working ... busy with their own lives....breaks my heart,  however I am truly thankful for Brooks' friends who treat him as if he were one of their gang and love him like their own brother.

The recent tragedy in CT has brought every emotion rushing back with memories flooding my entire body as if it happened yesterday.  I am deeply saddened and truly heartbroken!  I sat in my room watching CNN and cried on Saturday... balling my eyes out watching the news and horrified for those parents.  I know that feeling all too well.  The hard part is not knowing why...... and even if we did know the reasons for any child shooting... would it make us feel better???  God bless those families and provide them strength to get through the coming holiday and into the new year ... I pray they find some kind of peace with the loss of their children... it is definitely only a peace that HE can provide.  I know how truly blessed beyond measures I am.... it still doesn't take away the devastation and heartache for what my son once was to what he has now become.  I think I will always mourn the loss of my old Alex...however I will embrace each new day with a smile on my face and enjoy every minute with him..... He makes me laugh on a daily basis... crazy kid (that hasn't changed).... his personality has certainly stuck with him and he knows no strangers wherever he goes.    I am so proud of him and all that he has accomplished and continues to improve upon daily.  He is at that point where HE WANTS A BETTER LIFE... where he wants to be independent .... move out ... however we aren't quite there just yet, lol.  He takes on tasks such as unloading the dishwasher and loading it... silverware is a thing of the past... he does the entire dishwasher now!  He cleans the bathroom and does a load of his laundry here and there, BLESS HIS HEART lol..... He makes coffee (with coffee grinds all over the counters and on the floor across the kitchen lol)... but makes coffee nonetheless with good heartfelt intentions.  He is more aware of my moods and my emotions and is learning to express his somewhat better. He has a heart of gold and loves his family.....most importantly... HE IS ALIVE in all senses of the word and I thank all of  you and the many prayers you have prayed and to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!  WITH HIM ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE and we are moving mountains over here at the Dillard house!!!  THIS TOO SHALL PASS AND GREAT THINGS ARE IN STORE FOR MY BOY.... I JUST KNOW IT!!

It's coming up on the 3 year mark.... my how time flies .....yet it still feels like just yesterday I got that horrific phone call.  I'm not sure how many of you followers are still out there but if you are.... don't give up on us...keep those prayers coming.... Alex won't let you down... I PROMISE!

Thank you God for another day with my handsome boy!


Monday, August 20, 2012



A lot has been going on since I last updated ya'll!  We have not been in therapy as they decided to drop Alex until he had his baclofen pump surgery in September. Well... since then we have had an appointment with the doctor to follow up for the procedure this past month and he thinks Alex may no longer need it as he has still been progressing even without therapy!  You will be happy to hear he no longer uses his cane... AMEN ....aaaaaaaaaaaaand... the past couple of trips to the mall he has LEFT HIS WHEELCHAIR HOME!  He has increased his 1.5 mile walk around the block from 17 minutes to this:


God still performs little miracles here and there throughout our journey.... sends angels my way when I need em and of course still challenges me from time to time however my FAITH will endure and conquer anything that comes my way!

We had a trip to England with my mother in May to visit our family and what an amazing adventure that was with mom and her grandsons!  For those of you that don't know us.... my mom and I are from England and we still have relatives there and it was awesome to take the boys back to our homeland and share that part of our heritage with them!  THANK YOU AUNT HAZEL AND UNCLE GORDON for your WARM AND GENEROUS HOSPITALITY in putting us up for our 10 day adventure!

The boys all got to experience playing cricket see below:



Buckingham Palace

He wore that hat for the rest of our stay!  EVERYWHERE....CRAZY KID!


Alex climbed over 175 stairs in a spiral tower to get to the top!  He was definitely out of breath by the time we got to the top... BUT HE DID IT AND WAS DETERMINED HE WAS GONNA GO TO THE TOP OF THAT TOWER!  He dreaded going back down lol... but it was a heck of a lot easier going down!

This is the tower he climbed!


Our summer has since been filled with Brooks' travel baseball team and a couple of FABULOUS trips to Destin to stay with an old high school friend of mine that has a summer house there.  THANK YOU MARLAYNA AND TOMMY LEBLANCE for giving us a little time away from reality filled with laughter, GREAT FOOD, blue skies and water, white sand between our toes ....summer waves and lotsa sunshine!  YOUR generosity and hospitality is out of this world and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love for Alex, kind spirits and giving hearts!  I LOVE YOU!

Mr Impatient couldn't wait on me to take him down to water!

It has certainly been an adventurous amazing summer that has abruptly come to an end too soon, lol!  Alex continues to improve physically and we are praying that he will not need this surgery as the doctor thinks that he may continue to improve if put back into therapy again!  WOOO HOOOO!  Of course Alex is estatic.... I have mixed emotions... as you know I was really pushing for this surgery however... God continues to do things in his own time and has shown me that Alex and HE... GOT THIS!  We go for another evaluation with the doctor to see if physical therapy is the route we go without the surgery so please keep us in your prayers for continued healing either way!

We have since found out that my mother has some health issues that we will be addressing with doctors so I ask that you please keep her in your prayers and once we are certain what we are dealing with I can be more specific for prayer requests.  If anyone knows of any houses for rent in Macclenny, Baldwin or Normandy area please email me as I need to get mom moved CLOSER to me and out of Fernandina.  PLEASE AND THANK YOU!

Nicholas has graduated and is now home with a degree steady looking for employment.... IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE!  Anyone know of any available jobs... at this point he will entertain any employment within reason of decent pay and benefits with A degree... PLEASE LET ME KNOW!

I hope that we still have some followers out there.... I apologize for the lapses in my writings...life just gets away from me.  I have painted a pretty picture for you of our summer and yes while we have certainly been blessed with many friends and family offering time away with little vaca's here and there... our life is certainly nowhere near normal and I WOULD GIVE IT ALL BACK TO HAVE MY OLD ALEX BACK..... it's a crazy, hectic, stressful, challenging life on a daily basis but all in all... I AM TRULY THANKFUL to have what I have ..... a new Alex with an awesome support system, two awesome brothers for Alex and a wonderful husband who has stood by me thru it all! 

Wishing you all a VERY BLESSED DAY.....



Tuesday, May 8, 2012


Hi friends.... we certainly have been busy especially with Brooks and his school baseball games.  We visited Nick in Tampa this past weekend for his college graduation at the University of South Florida. WHAT A MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT.... especially with everything that has gone on in the past two and a half   years! I remember when our worlds changed and Nicholas so selflessly said "Mom, I will come home and help you". My response was NO.... you will finish what you started.  I COULDN'T BE MORE PROUD!!  He has grown into an awesome young man and I am beaming with pride at this huge accomplishment in the midst of our storm.  God has truly blessed us ALL THE WAY AROUND and I give him ALL THE HONOR AND GLORY for He has never left my side.

YES... this is Alex below in the tuxedo morph suit!  God Bless him and his craziness, lol!  He dressed up for the boys Home baseball game...and of course... surrounded by girls, lol.....CRAZY KID!

We leave tomorrow for England..... Mom and I are taking the kids back to our homeland, something I have ALWAYS dreamed of doing!!  What a great way to celebrate Nicholas' graduation! For those of you that don't know me personally... my mother and I are British citizens and I haven't visited England in about 25 years.  We have family we will be staying with and I'm bursting with excitement to take my boys and share this with them.  Alex is just beside himself and very ANXIOUS about our trip!  This is definitely going to be an adventure!!

Alex is on a break from therapy until August as that is when he will have his baclofen pump surgery.  They felt he was at his full potential at this point and hopefully with the surgery there will be room for more improvement. It was a very hard thing to digest because in my opinion..... this is not the end.... He still has a loooooong way to go before God is finished with him!  I keep telling myself .... It's in HIS time... not ours!!  So until August... I am his therapist and he walks around the block, swims and rides his bike.  WE GOT THIS!

Please pray for safe travels, peaceful flights and my sanity with Alex (:  I promise to post pics when we return... Until then...

Friday, March 30, 2012


Yes my friends we are still alive and kicking... just very busy these days!  Today is Alex's 19th birthday... PRAISE GOD!  Another birthday... another blessing for sure.  Where has the time gone.... most of it spent rehabilitating and focusing on one day at a time.  It seems as though time has flown by..... I feel like I totally missed  17-19!  I am truly thankful to have been given a second chance at life and be able to celebrate yet another birthday of the Miracle Boy.  Just yesterday God sent two angels my way... two different locations, two different prayer warriors.... brought tears to my eyes to have someone acknowledge us and tell me that they have followed our story from the beginning and continue to pray for a full recovery for Alex.  God was just reminding me that He is still with us and that our journey is not over.  You see Alex will be having another surgery in August and for now, I am helping the therapy along somewhat by having Alex ride his bike twice a week and walk around the neighborhood.  This surely isn't an easy task for him by any means but he agrees to push forward, sometimes even harder than I would have him, lol.  Monday I told him we were going to walk to the stop sign and back.  His reply was pointing to the stop sign closest to our house of which I smiled and said No, the other one to the left, lol.  He made a face.... sort of the brownie face he used to make but he was a trooper and out the door we headed.  I told him I was going to time him so he better make it good, ha ha!  We made it to the stop sign and I noticed he was looking to the right around the corner... kind of measuring it up if you would... I said "you ready to head back to the house now or are we walking around the block?"  He said "Yeah, I thought we WERE walking around the block"? I said... Heck yeah we are... let's go!  HE WAS A TROOPER!  It wasn't an easy feat for him but he kept pushing forward and ended up walking .4 miles in 17 minutes!  AAAAAAAAMAZING! Here is a little clip of him walking, lol.  He kept saying... "what you doing back there facebooking?"

He took no breaks, no stops, no water... he kept going... I AM SO PROUD!!!

Here is a video clip of him swimming last week lol!  He kept wanting me to get in and I kept saying.." I will" just a minute...well I got in to where the water was at by behind and said... FORGET THAT!  It was tooooo cold for me, ha ha! He loves it!  He can jump, run and be a normal kid in the water....something we hope one day he can do out of the water.

Here is a picture of him and one of his BFF's Amanda from the Sharks games. You will love to know that he convinced her little brother at last nights Baldwin game that he had a surprise for him in the car.  When Jarred took him outside the stadium what he was really trying to do was to get Jarred to take him to the corner store so he could buy some goodies because there was no concession at last nights game at JP Small stadium, lol.  Soooo, he then goes in the store.... purchases items with his bday money and comes out with 7 packs of starburst and a LARGE box of corn pops!  CRAZY KID!!  Impulsivity.... random thinking.... this is the sort of behavior we still deal with on a daily basis lol.  No rationalization... he wants it... he feels it... he says it... he does it.  My little 4 year old wrapped up in a 19 year olds body.  BUT A MIRACLE NONETHELESS!

We have been really busy with Brooks' baseball schedule... 2-3 games a week something that Alex really looks forward to going to! Mr Social Butterfly lol.  The kids are awesome with him and I can't thank them enough for their love and support with Alex.... we couldn't do it without them!! They love him and accept him with his crazy behavior and random texts over and over and OvOO chats....LOVE YA'LL... THANK YOU!!

What a crazy journey we have been on....  full of stresses, curve balls and craziness. Our lives are not easy by any means and I probably have more downs than ups lately....HOWEVER... I will take the good with the bad and hold my head up high because in the end... I HAVE MY WHOLE FAMILY... and I am truly blessed a lot more than most!  Thank you God for another day with my handsome boy!

HAPPY HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY MY SWEET ALEX..... I am so very proud of  you and all you have accomplished.  The sky is the limit for you..... I know that God is still in control and with Him we know that ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. I hope that today brings you joy, peace and laughter with friends... oh yeah.. and food, lol!  I love you to pieces and am soooo truly thankful to have you here and celebrate another milestone!  Keep up the great work with the attitude.... YOU TRULY ARE A MIRACLE ALEX AND GOD HAS GREAT THINGS IN STORE FOR YOU!!


Sunday, February 19, 2012

Hanging in there... taking it day by day

Hi friends... sorry it has been so long since my last blog but among all the other crap going on in our lives it is with deep sadness that I tell you we suddenly lost my stepfather, Gerald (Jerry) Sopkowiak on January 24th unexpectedly.  My mom and her two dogs, Max and Sugar, have since had to move in with us as it is too painful and lonely an hour away in such a big house.  We put her house on the market in Fernandina and have been busy getting all of her affairs in order.  Last week I was down with the flu for 4 days and am just getting back to the land of the living.  God must certainly think I am wonder woman with all of the trials and tribulations he has put upon me these past two years.  I am rolling with the punches facing adversity and jumping through hoops to make our lives as normal as possible under the current circumstances.  Please keep my mother in your prayers as this has been a very very difficult transition for her and I pray that she finds peace and comfort, her home sells quickly so that she can close that chapter of her life and begin a new one here in Jacksonville in a new place she calls her HOME.  Being strong for her has kept me from falling apart with grief myself, ... he was a father to me and a grandpa to my boys for 21.5 years and always there for me at the drop of a hat with whatever the boys or I needed.  I am surely going to miss him as will my boys.

 On a positive note, Alex has been moving right along in his therapy... still going twice a week, except for last week as I was down with the flu.  He has been working on walking on uneven surfaces such as grass, sidewalks, streets etc without his cane.... still a little difficult at times... but working at it nonetheless.  Life goes on... we are taking it one day at a time.... baby steps at times... leaps and bounds others.... knowing that God has great things in store for us....IN HIS TIME, not ours.  He has come so far yet still has a VERY long way to go!

We all take for granted things that come natural to us... watching this next video brings tears to my eyes as I watch him struggle to do something so easy as walk backwards.  He is a trooper and keeps on going, even when he doesn't feel like it.  Love our therapist and their patience with him... they have become our family away from home going thru this together....a bond that can't be broken.

We have decided to go thru with the baclofen pump surgery however we will be putting it off until August.  I'll keep you all posted on that as it gets closer to that time frame.  Alex not excited about it however knows it will help in the long run.  Please continue to keep us all in your prayers....we still have our ups and downs and life is never simple for us..... yet we are very very grateful for the life we do have with Alex.  He continues to make us laugh every day..... embarrasse me, especially Brooks, lol...make me cry....love me bunches....aggravate Chad and my mom to no end by pushing their buttons but we are truly blessed in more ways than one.  THANK YOU GOD FOR ONE MORE DAY WITH MY HANDSOME BOY!  Thank you God for our beautiful, crazy, hectic life.... I give you all the Glory, Honor and Praise... AMEN!


Thursday, January 5, 2012


WOW....doesn't seem as if two years has gone by... still feels like it just happened yesterday!  I still get emotional this time of year but very thankful I still have him here and full of hope that things will continue to improve with his recovery.  As I look back on the website in the archive of blogs it is amazing to me to see just how far he really has come in 2 years.  2 years... wow... even typing this it's hard to believe that 2 years has passed by.  It has flown by and then again.. no it hasn't lol.  From 3 hours to live to 2 years....THANK YOU GOD!  This year has really been a GREAT year in recovery as Alex has really come leaps and bounds with things that he can now do that he was having trouble doing the previous year.  He still has a very long way to go cognitively speaking... not sure that he will ever get that part back just as he was but again... I still have a lot of HOPE and BELIEF in the man upstairs that he will do this in his OWN TIME... not mine!
Reflecting back... here we go... a year in review:

January.... HE GOT THE TRACH OUT, how could I forget that happened this past year, lol!  That's a HUGE DEAL!

February... HE WENT IN THE WATER AT THE BEACH, yes in February, lol.  He was so excited to get that Trach out and be able to go under water...30 below zero water... but he was determined to get in it! We also had his Celebration at Macedonia Baptist where we got to meet a lot of our prayer warriors! A big thank you again to Macedonia Baptist, THE ICE MAN, Diamond D Ranch, Fran's and Debbie's Doghouse for making it a big success... LOVE YA'LL!

March....ALEX WENT TO HIS SENIOR PROM!!  He also SWAM for the first time!  WE WENT TO HAWAII.... compliments of DREAMS COME TRUE...thank you thank you thank you... OMG... I wanna go back and stay lol!  Words cannot tell you what that trip did for our family.  It was refreshing and we got to step away from reality for 7 days, much needed to reboot and regroup and not have to think about what our lives are really like on a day to day basis.  Alex turned 18 while in Hawaii and got to surf!  AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING!

April... had a little set back and we thought he had fractured his left ankle, had to wear a boot for a bit, but he worked thru it.

May... Finished his senior year school work!

June....GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL... AND WALKED ACROSS THE STAGE LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS!! Thank you God and Miss Zember :0)  To celebrate that, we took a trip to Alaska, thanks to Sherry and Pete.... INCREDIBLE!!  What an amazing adventure that was!

July... Had our first baclofen pump trial and failed.  They couldn't get into his spine but we didn't give up! Alex finished and graduated his day treatment program.. THAT WAS A BIG DEAL!

August....ALEX TAKES HIMSELF TO BATHROOM and uses cane to walk around house!!  BIG DAY FOR ME, lol!  Finally some independence for this young man... amazed how God will just show up and throw me a bone to get me thru to the next month, lol.  Just when I think I will give up and think this is how it's going to be forever... He will show me what he is capable of and pull me right back!  IN HIS TIME... not mine!

September...HE GOT A TRIKE!! Alex wore a cast on his left arm for most of the month... not so much fun, lol.  He decided he wanted to do chores ( that lasted the month of september, lol)  He became Brooks' biggest fan on the football field at Baldwin and LOVED going to his games and cheering him on.  Would show off occasionally with a special Alex dance or walking on track for crowd... He's a hotmess FO SHOW!

October..... his left arm really started showing signs of improvement.  Was able to start bending his arm from elbow out.  Never could do this before.  I really feel like that left arm will come around .... I think God is saving that for his grand finale'!!

November... Alex had neuropsych evaluation where I was told that basically what he is today is what he will be for the rest of his life. I DID NOT LIKE THAT ANSWER, lol.... after being in a state of depression for 3 days, God decided to throw me another bone, ALEX TOOK A SHOWER BY HIMSELF!!! Alex was able to get up from the floor by himself no cane, no help... AMAZING leaps and bounds progression between October and November in physical and occupational therapy!!

December ...Baclofen pump trial was a HUGE SUCCESS!! Walks into therapy with NO CANE!  He isn't allowed to use his cane at therapy and has been doing GREAT!

3 hours to live.... to TODAY... Thank you God for the many miracles you continue to bless us with on a daily basis.  ALEX MICHAEL ROSS is definitely a MIRACLE!!

Sitting here, looking back... reflecting upon the past year... tears of joy and sadness falling.  Bittersweet memories of what I miss and yes there are still those days that I MISS HIM... the old Alex!  I catch him watching his video's online.... he smiles as he watches.. to me, so sad.  He is flat, no emotion, turns to me and says... "we had a lot of food in our pantry back then".  REALLY, LOL... that's what you get out of that, ha ha!  He thinks it's funny when he watches but I don't think he quite knows how to express what he may or may not be feeling... sad to me.  I have my moments... right now might be one of them.  Even though I know I am truly thankful to have him alive and home and in the awesome condition he is in... I'm not dismissing all that, but I do still grieve the loss of MY old Alex Michael Ross and what he could have been.  Maybe I'm just having one of those "pity parties" by myself lol.  I have those days... they are getting fewer and fewer... I may never fully get over the void that is there, I can only hope that with time it gets easier and few and far between.  I try to stay as positive as possible for Alex... he has only seen me cry about his condition once this year, on our ride home from the neuropsych evaluation in which I couldn't contain my emotions after hearing the doctors take on Alex. God has shown up on more than one occasion and continues to bless our family in more ways than one.  One of my goals this year is to do more of Paying it Forward and blessing others as we have been blessed.  It's our turn to give back in more ways than one!  To start on Alex's documentary and book! FREE MOM TIME is what I need to accomplish that... may take a little longer than I originally anticipated, lol.  I talked about getting Alex enrolled in atleast one college class but that is being placed on hold once again until we get this baclofen pump surgery out of the way and see what kind of set backs we have if any.  Once he has that in place, I have to see what our therapy schedule will be as it may be a bit more intense than what we have now and I don't want him to miss out on school if we start.  I should be hearing from the neurosurgeons soon to discuss the date of the surgery.  I am very hopeful that we will see dramatic progress in that left arm and hand and it is my goal to see that Alex is walking without his cane by the end of next year!  We still face obstacles on a daily basis... and yes we still deal with the whole HANDICAP BATHROOM issues, lol.  Just dealt with it today at Walmart on Beach boulevard!  Of course he is calling this lady out in the handicap stall and says... " I don't see any wheelchair wheels under there"... "ohhhhhhhhh my Goooood" he says!  My little brain injured boy, lol... shhhhhhhhhhh "let it go" I say.  CRAZY KID!  There are days when Alex has an off day and we can't quite put a finger on why... neither can he.  Hoping to get him another eye test to see if he has improved... also think he needs a hearing test because he blares the TV and I'm not sure if it's because he can't hear or he can't block out the noises around him to be able to focus on just the TV.  He is able to sit thru an entire movie without going to the restroom (THANK YOU JESUS)... his attention spans seem to be getting longer and longer for different things... just depends on time, place and if it's somewhere he wants to be or somewhere I need him to be, lol.  I just need to get across to his friends that even though he seems ok on the outside... he really isn't the same on the inside and he has NO THOUGHT PROCESS.  He cannot think and act like he used to.  Again.. if he thinks it, he says it and he does it without any rationalization.  Does not see the end result or think about it. Now that I think about it... he didn't really do that before lol.  Alex was always my daredevil... acting then suffering consequences later.  Now... he is just flat.  Sometimes it's a blessing.  Sometimes not so much, lol.  2 years... WOW.... hard to believe that I haven't gone to a job outside of my home in two years...BUT I DO WORK 24-7 don't get me wrong, lol.  Today I am very thankful to have ALEX very much alive NO MATTER the challenges we face or obstacles that get in our way.  I welcome the obstacles knowing that it only makes me a stronger person and shows others that with Christ ... ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.  I will continue to let my light shine, looking back fewer and further between, focusing on the positives as ALWAYS and embracing the new journey path that has been set before us.  I'm learning forgiveness and letting go of hurt....something we all probably need to do sooner than later.  Life isn't easy... no one said it would be.  You never know when your phone call may come and I hope it never does.  A parents worst nightmare... can happen when you least expect it.  God is using us as an example... a tool if you will...and I hope that we continue to inspire all around us!!  Alex Michael Ross... you are a true miracle of God... I love you with every beat of my heart and I am so very proud of you and all you have accomplished thus far.  There is NO LIMIT to how far you can go.... God has a plan for you and I know in HIS TIME, YOU WILL DEFINITELY DO GREAT THINGS FOR HIM.  Keep reaching for the stars and keep that beautiful smile on your face.... YOU GOT THIS!!

A huge thank you to all of my friends, family, prayer warriors and followers if you are still out there.  I couldn't do this without your love and support.  God knows when I need a lift and he sends angels my way with a little pep talk here and there or a girls day out :0)  I know life goes on for all of you and you probably think that now we are home and it's been 2 years we are fine.  And we are for the most part but we are far from normal.  What is normal anymore, lol.  Stress still plays a huge part in our every day life but we adjust on a day to day basis.  Still baby steps but moving forward.. none the less! If you ever have an off day... just think about Alex and put a smile on your face.  Even on my worst days of days I have to regroup and know that there is someone out there that has it worse than me... ALWAYS!  On my worst day of days... you know what... LIFE IS GOOD!!!  AMEN!

Thank you God for one more day with my Handsome boy!


Thursday, December 22, 2011


We arrived at Wolfson's Children's Hospital at 9:30am got Alex all checked in and they videoed him prior to the procedure so that they could measure his ranges of movement once the baclofen was injected into his spine.  They measured him at 2 hours after the procedure and again at 4 hours.  The results were AMAZING and a tremendous improvement in flexibility!  An amazing thing to see right before my eyes that Alex could go from having so much tone in his left wrist and left foot to looking like a rubberband man!  She could take his toes and bend them forward and backward like crazy! She could bend that left wrist forward and backward without the tone fighting gravity... amazing amazing results and a PERFECT candidate for the baclofen pump!  There was one side effect that was on the downside and that was when he went to walk, his left ankle was SO LOOSE and relaxed that his ankle rolled like nobody's business and it was hard for him to get that foot straight onto the ground for mobility.  This I am told can be controlled with his brace and hard work at physical therapy once the pump is installed.  Physical therapy will help regain strength in that ankle as it is weak now and tends to roll when he walks barefooted.  The medicine had such a great effect on him that it made it too relaxed.  Docs think that they will place the catheter further up the spine to focus more on the left arm but whole left side will still get relief with the medication.  You are all probably thinking the same thing I am.... THIS IS WONDERUL and can't wait to see him scheduled for surgery.  WELL..... Mr. Alex is not so caught up in the whirlwind as we are and insisting he is NOT having another surgery.  Soooo, this is where I need my prayer warriors again.... Please pray for Alex's peace of mind that this surgery is just like putting a band aid on compared to the 10 surgeries he has already had!  Of course there are always risks with any surgery but nothing so severe that it isn't worth a shot to see if we can get that left arm responding once the tone is gone.  I asked him one morning as I was helping him cover himself in bed.... "Doesn't it piss you off that your left arm doesn't work?" "Doesn't it bother you?".... my simple minded, one emotion, precious 4 year old in an 18 year old body looks at me flatly and says... "Not really", as he shrugs his shoulders.  "I guess I'm just used to it now".  He jokes from time to time and speaks to his left hand and will say things like " DO WHAT I TELL YOU TO DO" and spank it a couple of times lol.  But I truly feel like he is content.  He is ok with life and how he lives it day to day.  he has no worries, life is Grand and he is happy to be alive.  Why can't we all live life that way?  Things were so much simpler when we were children ages 4-6.  Our major worries were if we were going to be able to eat at McDonalds and get some of those delicious french fries in our happy meal.  There are times when he gets anxious and I KNOW that something is bothering him, but he really doesn't know.  He can't comprehend it... He can't quite put his finger on it... express it.  I have just gotten used to the tell tell signs of his discomfort and things that make him anxious.  I pray that his heart is lightened with the possibility of the baclofen pump surgery.  I think that this could be the beginning of new life in that left side.  He is still progressing, making movements we haven't seen yet.  Squeezing and picking up things... learning how to relax that left arm so that the tone subsides.  Our 2 year mark is coming up... WOW!  Looking back how much we have endured and conquered.... still sooooo much to accomplish and look forward to.  You know what... LIFE IS GRAND!  We are blessed beyond measures.  I made a statement on FB the other day.... "You never know how strong you are until being STRONG is your only choice"!  AMEN!  When any of you get down or think that life is horrible or not turning out how you wanted it to. Stop and think of Alex.... think about how he looks at life and all that he has been thru.  LIFE IS GRAND!  Stop looking at what you don't have and be thankful for what you DO HAVE.  If you are reading this ... YOU HAVE ACCESS TO INTERNET, lol... that in itself is something to be thankful for, lol! Health, Shelter, Family and Love.... sooooo many many things to be thankful for.  Christmas is around the corner, find some quiet time to thank Jesus.... HE is the reason for the season.  Holidays can be depressing for some and if you are in that mix.... I pray that you find peace and comfort in whatever ails you and that you are able to spend time with loved ones be it family or friends that can lift your spirits.  Count your blessings.... and then count them again....I'll say it as I've said it many many times.  No matter how bad you think you have it... someone ALWAYS has it worse than you!  As bad as I think I have it some days.... even at my worst when I think I CAN'T possibly take another day like this.... I see someone come into Brooks Rehab who has it 100 times worse than me or Alex!  Blessings all around us... all we have to do is open our eyes to the truth and focus on the positives!  Wishing you all a wonderful holiday with safe travels.  Blessings to you all.... from our house to yours... LIFE IS GRAND...... MERRY CHRISTMAS!!


Wednesday, December 14, 2011


Friday is D DAY...DA DAY... THE DAY!!  Prayers needed starting now in hopes that this will work this time!  If you remember they couldn't get in his spine last time so we had to have xrays... they were inconclusive and doctors couldn't see anything wrong and no reason that they couldn't get in. SOOOO, let's pray that all is aligned with God's plan and this trial works so that he can get the baclofen pump!  He still has alot of tone that he fights daily that I think inhibits his progress some NOT THAT HE HASN'T COME LEAPS AND BOUNDS THUS FAR... but... there are still kinks that need to be worked out and I truly believe that this pump can do the TRICK on ALL of it!

Today was an awesome day at Physical Therapy as Alex showed me another miracle today... ONE THAT I DID NOT THINK WOULD EVER COME!  See Below!

NO HARNESS... WALKING ON THE TREADMILL... NOT HOLDING ON TO ANYYYTHING!!!  PRAISE JESUS!!  Alex still has a long way to go but we are working on getting all that squared away, physically and MENTALLY in the new year to come!  I'm going to hold off on college for the spring term, I just don't think he is ready for this challenge JUST yet and we are still focusing on the THERAPY part right now which is enough in itself for me let alone him, lol!  

I had the sweetest email today from Rebecca Crockett.... THANK YOU SO MUCH!  Today was ONE of THOSE kind of days, tears falling, heart wrenching, mentally exhausted... how much more can I take of this DAYS and that email could not have come at a better time!  I've said it before and I'll say it again... God always knows when to send me angels and today my friend YOU WERE IT!  

Lots to be thankful for.... headed to church right now to give him thanks in person... just wanted to update real quick before time slips away from me!



Tuesday, November 8, 2011


Alex has been moving along leaps and bounds over the past month and half with new things developing in both Physical therapy and Occupational therapy.  Today he did 5 reps in lowering himself to the floor and getting up from floor ALL BY HIMSELF!  This is something he has NEVER been able to do, let alone by himself... REPEATEDLY!  As you watch the next series of videos you will see how much easier it gets for him once he has gained confidence in himself and the procedure.  SO PROUD OF YOU ALEX MICHAEL!
The therapist wanted to work on this so that in case he ever falls, he will be able to get himself up from the floor should this ever happen.  Until now.. he would have been stuck on the floor... all this is new for us and I just cant believe how far he has come in the past month... I think even the therapists at Brooks are amazed at how much he has improved!
This is really his second try... I didn't video the first.

3rd GO

4th GO

This video below is from last week and shows his occupational therapist stimulating his triceps to get that elbow to bend.... THIS IS ALSO VERY NEW as we have never seen movement, nor has he EVER been able to get his elbow to bend!!!  He did it today WITHOUT the triceps being stimulated... he was able to do on command by himself no help... I MISSED it as I had gone to Walgreens to get his meds but you can bet I will get it tomorrow so that I can share with you.  Still this video shows how hard he trys once she lets go.

I have received several emails today all of which have made me smile.... THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH for your continued love, support and prayers... MEANS THE WORLD TO ME!  I am going to leave you with some significant bible verses that were shared with me and just what I needed to hear! Thank you Katy and Lori.... I appreciate you taking time out of your busy days to lift me up!!  LOVE ALL YA'LL!!

Matthew 19:26
 26 Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Psalm 27: 13-14 “I will remain confident of this:  I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.  Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.” 


Monday, November 7, 2011

God sent me a message thru Alex today!

Friday was a very hard day for both Alex and I with a 4 hour morning spent with the psychiatrist.  He completed a very intense neuropsych evaluation.  We had a reality check that we certainly were not prepared to hear.  Alex is post 22 months Traumatic Brain Injury and has reached his PEAK of mental recovery.  I was told that basically what Alex is today is what he will be for the rest of his life.  I cried all day Friday..... this was my second worst nightmare.  We all have such high hopes for our children... to grow up, become successful, find the girl of "our" dreams lol and have beautiful grandchildren.  This for Alex... may not ever happen and I think this is what saddens me the most.  Not that I will have to take care of him for the rest of my life.... I've accepted that.  Not that he missed out on his childhood.... we have come to terms with that....we cannot get the past back.  It's the fact that he may not have a future.... one that I had hoped for anyways. I was really really angry Friday.  Reality was a hard pill to swallow.  I am sad that my boy not only lost his childhood, he will miss out on a normal adulthood life.  Filled with finding the love of his life and falling in love, having a job, having children.... everything has been taken away because of someone else's decision.  He has been legally termed "mentally incompetent" and doctor wants me to get guardianship to manage his medical and personal affairs.  Here are some of the excerpts from the report:
 " Alex is NOT the same person he was prior to this traumatic brain injury, and to expect otherwise is to perform a great disservice to Alex.  Do not expect him to remember and follow through on requests.  He can be expected to become agitated and impulsive when he is thwarted from what he wants to do (even if what he wants to do is not in his best interest).  he remains manipulative, but his manipulations are only designed to satisfy his immediate gratification.  Alex is considered unable to maintain productive employment at any level both now and in the future, and he is considered permanently and totally disabled.  He has an organic mental disorder related to his traumatic brain injury that precludes him from employment.  Alex continues to experience trimodal neglect along with his visual field cut, and these phenomena along with his limited insight, awareness and judgment will present continued limitations to his ability to self-monitor and to protect himself from self-harm from this point in his life forward.  In other words, Alex is not safe to be left alone for any extended period of time.  He demonstrates the IMPAIRED ability to appreciate a situation and its likely consequences and he demonstrates the IMPAIRED ability to manipulate information rationally."

You can imagine after hearing all this I was a basket case as I was certainly not prepared to hear all that!  I was expecting to hear how GREAT AND AMAZING he was doing since his last visit!!  And I did get that... but I also got REALITY.  Again... not what I was expecting to hear.  I left that office in tears and cried the whole way home.  My handsome boy sitting next to me in the front seat, puts his hand on my leg... looks at me and FLATLY says... "it's sad huh"... "mom don't cry".  He is steadily turning the music up, trying to get me to fist pump with him... trying to divert my attention... I LOVE THAT KID.  I have cried off and on all weekend.... LSU beating Bama helped a little, lol... but I have just been down in the dumps Sunday and today.  Chad has been awesome... trying to bring out every positive.... showing me Alex's graduation day picture with all of us in it... LOOK HOW FAR WE HAVE COME... who says give up now?  We will make the best of whatever we are given...that's what we told God that night... YES WE DID!  Well let me tell you how God works in our lives and what he did for me today!!  I stayed in bed today.... went to bed with and woke up with a major headache.  Not sure if it's all the stress I have been under since Friday or from crying so much, lol.  It was about 1pm today I guess... I heard Alex get up off the sofa, walk to the bathroom with his cane... this is normal now... he gets around with his cane in the house... yes I have to hide things in the pantry lol!!  So next thing I know, he tapped on my door, opens it, I notice he has on different pair of underwear... then I realize wait...  his hair is wet... WHAT THE FRENCH TOAST???  I said " did you change your own underwear?"...and  "why is your hair wet?"... he said... "I GAVE MY SELF A SHOWER!!"  I jumped out of bed... I was soooo impressed and proud and just.... BEAMING with pride... OMG... " YOU GAVE YOURSELF A SHOWER????".... He was soooooo proud of himself you have no idea!  he said... "You better be facebooking about what I just did!!"... "YOU BETTER TELL EVERYONE MOM".  It CHANGED my whole demeanor!  I said... "let's go to Baskin and Robbins and get some ice cream... you deserve a treat!... I'll jump in the shower and get you dressed when I get out".  I went and got his cloths put them on the sofa... jumped in the shower and when I got out... HE HAD DRESSED HIMSELF FROM HEAD TO TOE, SOCKS SHOES AND ALL!!!!  What you may not be understanding is that.... he has NEVER done any of this by himself!  TODAY WAS A HUGE DAY! A MAJOR MILESTONE in one day!  Like months of preparing and all of a sudden out of nowhere..... GOD SENT ME A MESSAGE!!!  This was it... he sent me a message thru Alex and said DO NOT GIVE UP ON ME... I AM NOT FINISHED WITH HIM YET!
Tears streaming down my face.... God comes thru once again!  FAITH!  Step out on FAITH... Give it to God and he will not let you down!  The devil came in and kicked me down......... and God said... GET UP GIRL... WE GOT THIS!  Words cannot describe what I am feeling today.  A mixture of emotions... happy, sad, anxious, DETERMINED!  I'm not going to take what the doctor said and lay down... once again I am going to give it to God because the doctors that gave him 3 hours to live were wrong.  THERE IS DEFINITELY SOMEONE OF HIGHER POWER IN CHARGE OF ALEX'S DESTINATION.... and we are NOT THERE YET!!!  Today I am hopeful that Alex may still have a chance at a normal adulthood life. I am hopeful that he gets the chance to have a chance at love and marriage with or without children.  I am going to start praying for his wife.... she is out there somewhere.  Someone with the patience of a saint, a loving and giving heart.... someone special just for Alex.  I am going to pray that he finds a job specially to fit his needs and desires to feel productive and function to be the best that he can be.  I am going to pray that he is able to take online college courses and complete them successfully and if it takes 8 years to graduate... so what... he will do it in his own time.  I am going to pray that we will be financially ok as long as I have to stay home and care for Alex because the devil has a way of trying to taint that.  I am very thankful for a loving, caring, giving husband who has stood by my side when he could of easily walked away with all this responsibility and stress that was placed on him especially with a child that is not his but he considers his own.  I am thankful for Brooks who is my right hand man and best friend to his brother... I know it isn't easy for him and all the stress that comes along with having to be the main friend in Alex's life.  I am thankful that Nicholas was able to stay in school and not have to come home to help me so that he can graduate next year.  I am thankful for my close friends who keep me going day to day and help out with whatever it is that I need.  I am thankful that Alex's dad continues to help support him even though he is past 18 years of age.  I am thankful for the emails and fb posts I get from my little prayer warriors still praying and watching over us..... KNOW THEY HELP!
I'm not going to give up on Alex just yet.  He proved to me today that ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE....that kid has so much determination and drive that I truly feel in my heart he will SUCCEED and DO GREAT THINGS.  God sent me a message thru Alex today.... NO DOUBT ABOUT IT!  Me, Alex and JC.... WE REALLY DO GOT THIS!!!

Once again... Dear God... thank you for another day with my HANDSOME BOY!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Thank You :0)

This morning started out as it ended last night.... I was still in my moment of weakness stage, tears still falling especially once receiving emails from a few devoted followers of the blog and close friends sending me words of encouragement and letting me know they are still out there.... sending prayers and hugs.... THANK YOU!!

It wasn't until Alex and I were headed to therapy that all sadness faded in an instant when Alex looks over at me in the car and says.... "Mom.... why don't they have a pill that I can take for patience?"  At THAT VERY MOMENT.... once again that 4 year old genuine innocence brought laughter and joy back into my heart.  Thank you God for the precious gift of gab! Truth is... Alex truly wishes there was a pill for that.  He knows how he is but he also knows that no matter how hard he tries... he can't fix it!   Like I said... Alex makes me laugh every day but today of all days... I really and truly needed that to bring me back to the strong side and find the positives in our situation. 


Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Missing Him Today...

I guess I'm having one of those melt down moments and need to write.  You see Alex just woke up,got out of bed, walked to my door with his cane to make sure I was taking him with me when I took Brooks to school....Bless his heart, he thought it was the MORNING already!!!  Love my lil brain injured Alex Ross and the innocence he sometimes genuinely portrays..... I was taken back in time for just a moment.... missing those days more often than not lately :0(  OVERWHELMED... SAD... HAPPY... all at the same time.  Still taking it one day at a time but knowing there is light at the end of the tunnel... one day.  You see Chad is on vacation this week and Alex knew that it was a possibility that I may leave him here in the morning while I take Brooks to school and he was so bent on going that he woke up thinking it was morning and made his way to the living room to MAKE SURE I DIDN'T LEAVE HIM.  Half asleep, I walked out to living room to see what he was doing and he said "I'm up, I'm ready to go with you to take Brooks to school".  It was at that very moment I was taken back in time... missing him... the old Alex... looking at him his demeanor was that of a 4 year old Alex, half asleep wanting to sleep in my bed when he was younger.  Crazy how in a split second I can go from being in control and in check .... to uncontrollable crying and wanting my Alex back.  I guess a part of me is still grieving for the Alex I lost and hopefully in time .... this too shall pass.  He makes me laugh every day, he makes me crazy every day, he absolutely drives me nuts with his OCD anal behavior with time and impatience.  If he thinks it, he says it and not just once.... 15 times and corrects me on how to do everything and when to do it.  When he wants a shower he wants it then, not in one minute, not in 5 minutes and will sit there naked on the toilet until I get in there to do it.... Life is still crazy over here and we are still learning every day how to cope, manage, handle, teach.... get by.  YES... ALEX IS ALIVE... THANK YOU GOD FOR GIVING US THAT.... Thank you for those impossible moments in which I think I can't possibly survive with a sane mind....Thank you for the times you control my mouth as I want to scream I can't do this anymore.... Thank you for the patience you have instilled in me, only YOU know where it comes from!  It has gotten easier to handle of course since we first came home, but there are still soooo many new challenges we face each day that I constantly need to call upon Him and scripture to carry me thru.  I have been burying myself in Brooks' football games and editing the 700 pics I take each game to carry me into another place.... any place but here that might bring back memories of things that I can't get back.  I don't know how much Alex will progress mentally... or how far his therapy may take him...  I can only hope for what I believe is possible with God.  He is in control.... He is in the driver seat and we are his passengers on this jouney of our new path in which he has paved for us.  Sorry to be a debbie downer tonight.... I don't mean to be....however, my blogging is very therapeutic and maybe subconsciously I have been putting it off in fear that these feelings would surface again?  I don't know that I will EVER be able to get over the loss of my old Alex....I certainly hope so.  Alex however is doing great.  He still does not show emotion, not sure that will ever happen or if it's even possible with his frontal lobe gone.  I am forever grateful that his personality and wit are still in tact.... that as we all know... HE NEVER LOST!  My heart aches for him, more often than not..... as his life consists of facebook, movies and videos.  He doesn't have any visitors these days.... all of his friends have their own busy lives with no spare time for Alex, so friends are few and far between these days.  Brooks is his lifeline outside our home and........ understandably so, he has his own life with his friends that doesn't always include Alex. Brooks deserves that.... this certainly wasn't his fault and these are the best years of his life.  So that takes it back to ME.  I have to be HIS everything.... 24-7.  Mom, friend, care taker, teacher, therapist....MAID, lol.... ME... I'M IT.  I gladly accept this challenge as my conversation with God that fateful night on January 6, 2010 was that no matter how he came back to me, I would accept him even if he was paralyzed from the neck down... I would handle the situation as long as I could have Alex back alive.  So I am... doing it... handling what was given to me, some days harder than others... today was one of those days.   Mentally he has a LONG way to go.... I can't stress this enough because to most he looks great and I think people get the sense that Alex is back to normal.  There is no normalcy in our lives.....today is just ONE OF THOSE DAYS... one of those days that I wish I could turn back time and go back... even for if just one day, to see my old Alex, to remember what it was like to be normal, to be able to go to work, to sleep thru the night, to come and go as I please.....to see Alex run up a tree and do a back flip or make up a funny dance.... missing you today Alex Michael Ross..... but very thankful I have the opportunity at a second chance at life with you, no matter how impossible some days seem..... in my heart deep down... I know that ME, YOU and JC... we got this!!!  Philippians 4:13 ( my saving Grace)